Some shit about me that you probably don’t know

O.K. I hope you are sitting down motherfuckers!… My name is Jesus, and I am the REAL Jesus. Jesus of motherfucking Nazareth, son of God, your lord and savior (that’s a bunch of bullshit by the way)… But you can just call me J e s u s.

Let me catch you up real quick…

Yes I was born to a human mother (who you know as Mary, although that is a bunch of Christian bullshit… that wasn’t her motherfucking name, as we lived in motherfucking Jerusalem. Her real name was Hanna… I was one of 5 children, the middle child. That bullshit about immaculate conception, well, that was my mom’s doing. She was between husbands, and was playing the field, when Dad came down (Yes, God, No, not from motherfucking heaven… more on that later), and fucked the shit out of mom. She got pregnant, and made up the motherfucking immaculate conception story.. .She did NOT know that Pop was God, but I guess you could call it dumb motherfucking luck… Little did she know that this one little lie to cover her ass would result in this motherfucking mess we find ourselves in today.

So some more shit that you need to know…

I’m not motherfucking white, motherfucker! I am motherfucking black, like most of the motherfucking people in the Middle motherfucking East! Have you ever been to the middle east? If you see white people, they’re tourists, motherfucker!

I AM the son of god, but most of the shit in the motherfucking bible is whack, created by smart people that wanted a way to control the general public. As you know, the shit really took off.

What really happened… One day about 2,000 years ago, God came down one weekend, and fucked the shit out of a human bitch, that was my mom, you know her as Mary, but her real name was Hanna… and so I was born out of wedlock. Now I gotta tell you, that shouldn’t have been a big motherfucking surprise, as mom was quite the slut, and everyone knew it. But, she wasn’t so bright, and was too embarrassed to tell people that she had sex out of motherfucking wedlock so she made up the story that she was immaculately pregnant. How fucked up is that shit. So no one really thinks much about that until I am grown and out and about, motherfucking chillin with my crew one day, when we decide to ride over to the next motherfucking village to visit some lady friends of ours. So it was all dark and shit when we started, and one of my motherfucking crew, drunk off his motherfucking ass, trips my motherfucking camel, and I go head first down into the motherfucking dirt. Well, that shit fucked me up pretty good. They thought that I was motherfucking dead, and buried me.

Now, I know that you aint a bunch of motherfucking morons to think that the Son of God would be mortal, are you? Just like Pop, I am IMMORTAL… So that shit about dying on the cross, making any motherfucking sense?…. more on that later.

So anyway, they bury me, and I am trapped in the motherfucking dirt. Took me three days to dig myself out of that shit, and when I walked back into the motherfucking village, well, everyone motherfucking knew then that I was a little different!

So all of the sudden, one day, a bunch of motherfucking Roman soldiers storm in, total buzzkill, and take me away… It seems they think that the Son of God will help them rule the world. Well, that shit ain’t happening, so I bail one day, and go into hiding 500 km away in a little village. Through many iterations, that story turned into Jesus got crucified bullshit! It’s like that motherfucking game, Telephone, what you start with, aint what you end with.

So for the last 2,000 plus motherfucking years, I’ve been around. Living in various places, doing lots of cool shit. Now, cause I’m motherfucking black I’ve been discriminated against most of my life. Now it ain’t that I’m all upset and shit about niggers not getting our fair share of the respect we motherfucking deserve, it’s just that un-evolved humans need something to belittle so that they can feel good about their place in life. Well, as motherfucking bad luck would have it, the negro has traditionally been their choice of dog, a good friend, but one that you can smack around. And then to add to it, I am motherfucking Jewish. A jewish nigger, can it get any worse than that. Thank God, I am the Son of God!

O.K. So on to the shit you really care about… What are my “superpowers”… I only have one…..

Ready for this????

I am all knowing and all seeing. I know everything that has ever happened to everyone, for all time. I can’t predict the motherfucking future, I can’t turn into a motherfucking bat, I can’t motherfucking fly like motherfucking superman. Not very impressive is it? But it works for me with the ladies and at various cocktail parties.

Some more shit about me… The bible says that I was a motherfucking carpenter, but I gotta tell you that shit ain’t my bag baby. But, they were close… I was a chiropractor, a healer. You know that “laying hands on” shit that you heard about, well, that was me motherfucking adjusting motherfuckers, making them all well and shit. Once again, the motherfucking Telephone game.. .Chiropractor becomes Carpenter. Some people say that the American Medical Association had some shit to do with that, as they fucking hate motherfucking Chiropractors, but they had nothing to do with it… Their big enemy is not Chiropractic, it’s Weed motherfuckers, W E E D!

What the fuck am I talking about?

Now look here motherfuckers, the medical industry is making a motherfucking killing selling you all (I don’t do drugs) prescriptions for this shit and that shit, and when you can’t get a motherfucking prescription, they sell you over-the-counter shit. That makes them motherfuckers a lot of money. Now the fact is, that if you would quit eating that processed shit that the motherfucking food companies are selling you and start smoking motherfucking weed, you wouldn’t need no motherfucking drugs. Back in the day, we were all motherfucking smokers. This bitch ass, crazy motherfucker Harry J. Anslinger is the one that went on a motherfucking rampage to get weed made illegal. Know who his employer was? Well, he may have officially worked for the motherfucking American government, but he made his real bank from the…. that’s right, the American Medical Association. I visited the president of the AMA once, and let him have it. I had a heart to heart with the motherfucker, and he backed off for a while, but now they are back. May have to have another heart-to-heart.

So what else, oh, if you motherfuckers have read that Dan Brown book, The DaVinci Code, that shit ain’t real, although very entertaining. The fact is that Mary Magdalene was not my motherfucking wife, she was my half sister (from a different dad), and I NEVER motherfucking fucked her! That bitch was all whack, I would be out by the river washing up, but she never really liked to stay clean. Stunk like a camel’s ass. That shit about her being a prostitute is all whack also. Ain’t no drunk, congested motherfucker want a piece of that shit… That’s why she never married and just died off. She has NO offspring.

Me, I liked, and still like to play the motherfucking field. I love the ladies. And that shit about me being gay, well that’s all motherfucking overblown (no pun intended). Look, so I may have fucked some boy sheep and goats back in the day, but I was never into dudes. Shit, I wish I was, those motherfuckers have a lot of motherfucking fun. The bullshit discrimination against them is whack, but we are working on that. Power to the motherfucking human race motherfuckers, Gay people are just like you (not me, I am the motherfucking Son of God)… They are just like the rest of you straight, rice cake, vanilla motherfuckers. You like pussy, they like dick. Big motherfucking deal. Stay out of their motherfucking bedrooms, and you won’t see nothing that will traumatize you. Turn on the motherfucking Fox News and see what’s happening in the world, people getting killed, babies torn limb from limb, poverty, war, my friend Bill O’Reilly (more on that later)… that shit is what you should be upset about, not motherfucking gay marriage.

Did I mention that I have LOTS of half brothers and sisters? God loves earth women, and visits frequently. I tried telling him about rubbers, but he likes having lots of offspring, and he never forgets our birthdays. Last year, he got me a motherfucking Apple computer, and here I am on the motherfucking Internet. Now back to the story… Many of my motherfucking half brothers and sisters are gay, so when you descriminate against gay people, you are motherfucking discriminating against the children of God. Now I may not have any superpowers that will hurt you, but I can assure you God does! Don’t piss him off!

That’s it for now… Read often, as I am going to be sharing lots of interesting facts about the world with you. I am “back”, although I never left… And, at the end of the week I will be revealing some “shocking” information about a celebrity that all of you motherfuckers know. Stay motherfucking tuned in motherfuckers!

Jesus, out!

Connection between O’Reilly and NAMBLA?

If you spend any motherfucking time watching Fox News, you may have noticed that Bill O’Reilly spends a lot of time on what we may call motherfucking fringe issues. One topic that has come up a bunch lately is NAMBLA.

FOXNews.com – The O’Reilly Factor – Interview – NAMBLA Arrests

Some people say that Bill O’Reilly is so critical of NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association) because he is former member and is pissed that they threw him out after he didn’t pay his dues for over two years. There is more rumor that he has been sneaking into NAMBLA’s parties dressed at Mrs. Doubtfire… (Most motherfuckers don’t know that NAMBLA parties are sometimes in extravogant motherfucking costumes, so dressed is Mrs. Doubtfire is not as motherfucking crazy as it sounds).

So you motherfuckers want to know if it’s true or not don’t you? Well, I aint sayin. I will tell you that Mrs. Doubtfire costumes are in high demand these days.

So Bill and I used to talk all the time, but have been out of touch since he became such a big “star”.. You go Bill!… He is really a good guy, a bit paranoid, a bit misguided, and a compulsive liar, ugly as a toad’s ass, but if you can overlook all of these things, he is the kind of guy that you motherfuckers may smoke a bowl with. Oh, some people say that Bill quit smoking out since he became a Republican and shit, but I can tell you that aint the case. Most Republicans are more motherfucking stoned than anyone else. And the shit those motherfuckers are smoking is the good shit, straight from Humboldt County. In fact, some people say that O’Reilly has his own 200 acres up there to just grow for himself. I will assure you that those people are full of shit. Bill has no green thumb whatsoever. His thumbs are a little brown though… Don’t ask me to explain, use your motherfucking imagination…

Jesus, out!!!

Mel Gibson, Bush Father, Santa vs. Satan

The “Passion” Returns, Santa, Satan, George Bush Ancestors, War in Iraq The Passion is Recut to eliminate the Crucifiction Scenes Now that’s fucked up! First the motherfucker makes a movie depicting the so called white Jesus getting his ass kicked all over the place by some crazy Latin speaking motherfuckers, and then after making over $400 million, he decides to cut the gore out of it and go at it again. Now I tried talking to Mel once, but he doesn’t really believe that I am the real Jesus. I approached him one day down in Santa Monica, he was walking on the pier with some motherfucking cotton candy and shit, and I said “Hey, I’m Jesus of motherfucking Nazareth, the real motherfucking Jesus, and he just ignored me. Even after I told him about things that no one else could know, how he masturbates to photos of moster trucks, how in the filming of Lethal Weapon he got it on with Danny Glover (Danny was drunk, but Mel was not), how he is not really Australian, but Austrian, and his daddy was part of of Hitler’s death squad, the motherfucker still doesn’t believe me. I guess I have to keep trying. The good news is that when he is motherfucking dead, rotting in the motherfucking ground, I will be fucking his daughters, grand-daughers, and great-grand-daughters. Yeah… Oh, the Danny Glover incident, don’t spread that shit around too much, Danny aint gay or nothing, he was just wasted from all of the crack cocaine that Mel had him smoke to make the movie more realistic and shit. At least that is what Danny thinks, but as I am all knowing and all seeing, I can tell you that Mel knew exactly what he wanted to do to Danny’s ass when he had him smoke that shit. Now I have never done crack cocaine, I don’t do drugs as I am the motherfucking son of God, but I know how fucked up you human motherfuckers get on that shit. So Danny was really fucked up and doesn’t remember what happened. And since Mel’s dick is so motherfucking thin, now it aint small, but it is very very thin, a lot like Michael Jackson’s dick, well, Danny didn’t even know that Mel fucked him. Anyway, enough on Mel, we will get back to him a little later, after I have another talk with him. The great thing about being all knowing and all seeing, is that unlisted phone numbers are no problem for me. So make sure that you motherfuckers are good for goodness sake, or I will have motherfucking Santa calling you at all crazy hours of the night, just to fuck with you. Ahh, I almost forgot that most of you motherfuckers out there don’t believe in motherfucking Santa. You believe in Satan, but not Santa! How whack is that shit. Now some people think that I would be all pissed that Christmas has become about Santa and presents, rather than my motherfucking birthday, but I’m not mad at all. Santa is a good friend of mine, and YES, he is real motherfuckers. Now you may say to yourselves, well if he’s so motherfucking real, why aint he brung me no motherfucking presents since I’ve been motherfucking growns up and shit. Well that is because you have been bad, and Santa brings presents to everyone that has been good. How what the fuck am I talking about, that you’ve been bad and shit? Well, that’s different for all of you motherfuckers. So if you want specifics email me at JsonOfGod@hotmail.com Now back to Santa. Santa is motherfucking real, he doesn’t live at the motherfucking north pole, he lives in motherfucking Floriday. Tampa to be exact. Now you may ask yourself, “what the fuck is Santa doing living in motherfucking Florida?”… Well, I will tell you. Santa is motherfucking old, and all motherfucking old people want to live in Florida. How do you think Jeb Bush, motherfucking Big G’s brother got elected and stays motherfucking elected? It’s cause the motherfucking voters in the state are too motherfucking old to give a shit about all of the rumors. Some people say that Jeb Bush is a crack dealing, child molesting, liar, who got elected by rigging the motherfucking voting machines in the state, and continues to get elected by threatening the good people of Florida, utilizing a secret group of nazi type enforcers. Now I know the real motherfucking truth, but unless you live in Florida, you don’t really need to know all of the dirty details of these rumors and shit. If you do, email me, and I will tell you what’s really happening down there. Now, more on Jeb, George, George Father, George Grandfather, and so on and so forth later. I’ve been following the adventures of the Bush clan since their great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather, Jack Bush first robbed my then master of 4 horses and 2 sheep, and then sold the motherfucking sheep back to him in exchange for one motherfucking slave named Tyrone, AKA Jesus. Yep, I was a motherfucking slave to the motherfucking Bushes. Now how fucked up is that shit. I am the motherfucking son of God, and I am being beaten and molested by motherfucking President’s motherfucking ancestors. That shit was whak!. Long motherfucking story short, Jack Bush was a lot like our current president, a bit on the dumb side, awkward, and yes, Gay! Am I saying that our president, George W. Bush is gay? I aint!. But some people say that Bush has been secretly sneaking in a gay prostitute into the white house for some late night, shall we say adventures. Some people also say that the reason George want’s to pass this anti-gay marriage bill so bad is cause one of his previous lovers dumped him for another guy, and now wants to marry that guy. Now I aint going to tell you who is right and who is wrong, but I can tell you that the guy in question is a good guy, and should be allowed to marry his new fling. Now, on to more interesting tid bits. Some people would say that only conspiracy theorists would believe that Bush would try to pass the anti-gay marriage bill to get back at his ex-lover, and now remember, that shit is all rumor by “some people”… I can point you to some motherfucking facts in another case. Some people say that the reason we attacked Iraq is because George has a personal vendetta against Sudam for having made George Father look like a donkey’s ass (otherwise known as an Asses Ass), for having blundered the motherfucking conflict in the Gulf war. Sudam would call the Bush house in Texas, and the White House later, every night singing motherfucking Alla Carrols to George, till he just motherfucking snapped, and decided to invent the motherfucking weapons of mass distruction shit. Some people call those weapons, the Weapons of Mass DISTRACTION! Anyway, I told Bush that there were no weapons there, but the motherfucker didn’t listen to me, just like his ancestor, motherfucking Jack Bush.