About Motherfucking Jesus

O.K. I hope you are sitting down motherfuckers!… My name is Jesus, and I am the REAL Jesus. Jesus of motherfucking Nazareth, son of God, your lord and savior (that’s a bunch of bullshit by the way)… But you can just call me J e s u s.

Let me catch you up real quick…

Yes I was born to a human mother (who you know as Mary, although that is a bunch of Christian bullshit… that wasn’t her motherfucking name, as we lived in motherfucking Jerusalem. Her real name was Hanna… I was one of 5 children, the middle child. That bullshit about immaculate conception, well, that was my mom’s doing. She was between husbands, and was playing the field, when Dad came down (Yes, God, No, not from motherfucking heaven… more on that later), and fucked the shit out of mom. She got pregnant, and made up the motherfucking immaculate conception story.. .She did NOT know that Pop was God, but I guess you could call it dumb motherfucking luck… Little did she know that this one little lie to cover her ass would result in this motherfucking mess we find ourselves in today.

So some more shit that you need to know…

I’m not motherfucking white, motherfucker! I am motherfucking black, like most of the motherfucking people in the Middle motherfucking East! Have you ever been to the middle east? If you see white people, they’re tourists, motherfucker!

I AM the son of god, but most of the shit in the motherfucking bible is whack, created by smart people that wanted a way to control the general public. As you know, the shit really took off.

What really happened… One day about 2,000 years ago, God came down one weekend, and fucked the shit out of a human bitch, that was my mom, you know her as Mary, but her real name was Hanna… and so I was born out of wedlock. Now I gotta tell you, that shouldn’t have been a big motherfucking surprise, as mom was quite the slut, and everyone knew it. But, she wasn’t so bright, and was too embarrassed to tell people that she had sex out of motherfucking wedlock so she made up the story that she was immaculately pregnant. How fucked up is that shit. So no one really thinks much about that until I am grown and out and about, motherfucking chillin with my crew one day, when we decide to ride over to the next motherfucking village to visit some lady friends of ours. So it was all dark and shit when we started, and one of my motherfucking crew, drunk off his motherfucking ass, trips my motherfucking camel, and I go head first down into the motherfucking dirt. Well, that shit fucked me up pretty good. They thought that I was motherfucking dead, and buried me.

Now, I know that you aint a bunch of motherfucking morons to think that the Son of God would be mortal, are you? Just like Pop, I am IMMORTAL… So that shit about dying on the cross, making any motherfucking sense?…. more on that later.

So anyway, they bury me, and I am trapped in the motherfucking dirt. Took me three days to dig myself out of that shit, and when I walked back into the motherfucking village, well, everyone motherfucking knew then that I was a little different!

So all of the sudden, one day, a bunch of motherfucking Roman soldiers storm in, total buzzkill, and take me away… It seems they think that the Son of God will help them rule the world. Well, that shit ain’t happening, so I bail one day, and go into hiding 500 km away in a little village. Through many iterations, that story turned into Jesus got crucified bullshit! It’s like that motherfucking game, Telephone, what you start with, aint what you end with.

So for the last 2,000 plus motherfucking years, I’ve been around. Living in various places, doing lots of cool shit. Now, cause I’m motherfucking black I’ve been discriminated against most of my life. Now it ain’t that I’m all upset and shit about niggers not getting our fair share of the respect we motherfucking deserve, it’s just that un-evolved humans need something to belittle so that they can feel good about their place in life. Well, as motherfucking bad luck would have it, the negro has traditionally been their choice of dog, a good friend, but one that you can smack around. And then to add to it, I am motherfucking Jewish. A jewish nigger, can it get any worse than that. Thank God, I am the Son of God!

O.K. So on to the shit you really care about… What are my “superpowers”… I only have one…..

Ready for this????

I am all knowing and all seeing. I know everything that has ever happened to everyone, for all time. I can’t predict the motherfucking future, I can’t turn into a motherfucking bat, I can’t motherfucking fly like motherfucking superman. Not very impressive is it? But it works for me with the ladies and at various cocktail parties.

Some more shit about me… The bible says that I was a motherfucking carpenter, but I gotta tell you that shit ain’t my bag baby. But, they were close… I was a chiropractor, a healer. You know that “laying hands on” shit that you heard about, well, that was me motherfucking adjusting motherfuckers, making them all well and shit. Once again, the motherfucking Telephone game.. .Chiropractor becomes Carpenter. Some people say that the American Medical Association had some shit to do with that, as they fucking hate motherfucking Chiropractors, but they had nothing to do with it… Their big enemy is not Chiropractic, it’s Weed motherfuckers, W E E D!

What the fuck am I talking about?

Now look here motherfuckers, the medical industry is making a motherfucking killing selling you all (I don’t do drugs) prescriptions for this shit and that shit, and when you can’t get a motherfucking prescription, they sell you over-the-counter shit. That makes them motherfuckers a lot of money. Now the fact is, that if you would quit eating that processed shit that the motherfucking food companies are selling you and start smoking motherfucking weed, you wouldn’t need no motherfucking drugs. Back in the day, we were all motherfucking smokers. This bitch ass, crazy motherfucker Harry J. Anslinger is the one that went on a motherfucking rampage to get weed made illegal. Know who his employer was? Well, he may have officially worked for the motherfucking American government, but he made his real bank from the…. that’s right, the American Medical Association. I visited the president of the AMA once, and let him have it. I had a heart to heart with the motherfucker, and he backed off for a while, but now they are back. May have to have another heart-to-heart.

So what else, oh, if you motherfuckers have read that Dan Brown book, The DaVinci Code, that shit ain’t real, although very entertaining. The fact is that Mary Magdalene was not my motherfucking wife, she was my half sister (from a different dad), and I NEVER motherfucking fucked her! That bitch was all whack, I would be out by the river washing up, but she never really liked to stay clean. Stunk like a camel’s ass. That shit about her being a prostitute is all whack also. Ain’t no drunk, congested motherfucker want a piece of that shit… That’s why she never married and just died off. She has NO offspring.

Me, I liked, and still like to play the motherfucking field. I love the ladies. And that shit about me being gay, well that’s all motherfucking overblown (no pun intended). Look, so I may have fucked some boy sheep and goats back in the day, but I was never into dudes. Shit, I wish I was, those motherfuckers have a lot of motherfucking fun. The bullshit discrimination against them is whack, but we are working on that. Power to the motherfucking human race motherfuckers, Gay people are just like you (not me, I am the motherfucking Son of God)… They are just like the rest of you straight, rice cake, vanilla motherfuckers. You like pussy, they like dick. Big motherfucking deal. Stay out of their motherfucking bedrooms, and you won’t see nothing that will traumatize you. Turn on the motherfucking Fox News and see what’s happening in the world, people getting killed, babies torn limb from limb, poverty, war, my friend Bill O’Reilly (more on that later)… that shit is what you should be upset about, not motherfucking gay marriage.

Did I mention that I have LOTS of half brothers and sisters? God loves earth women, and visits frequently. I tried telling him about rubbers, but he likes having lots of offspring, and he never forgets our birthdays. Last year, he got me a motherfucking Apple computer, and here I am on the motherfucking Internet. Now back to the story… Many of my motherfucking half brothers and sisters are gay, so when you descriminate against gay people, you are motherfucking discriminating against the children of God. Now I may not have any superpowers that will hurt you, but I can assure you God does! Don’t piss him off!

That’s it for now… Read often, as I am going to be sharing lots of interesting facts about the world with you. I am “back”, although I never left… And, at the end of the week I will be revealing some “shocking” information about a celebrity that all of you motherfuckers know. Stay motherfucking tuned in motherfuckers!

Jesus, out!